I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
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Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it