4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
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Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
This is why I hate group projects
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”