Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
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I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys