*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
12. I think about this all the damn time
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes