[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
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Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.