maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
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9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
#Caturday
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you