Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
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covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.