Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
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Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking