I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
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Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”