I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.