*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
You Might Also Like
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.