Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
japanese corn
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*