Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.