“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
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*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Every. Damn. Time.
✌🏽
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.