If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
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[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I’M CRYINGGG
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times