I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.