If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Just this preview of the story is enough
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Beware of fowl play.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK