*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
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My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts