What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
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I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.