Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!