They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
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I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The game has officially changed 😎
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Squirrel having fun.. 😅