What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.