Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
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I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka