Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
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If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
lol
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
translated into Canadian
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug