coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
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My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.