date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
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EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My work here is done
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.