Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
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-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that