<- sleeps well with others
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Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.