The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
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Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
yeah 😭
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.