Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Covid like
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Sharon I have some bad news
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.