i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
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Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.