Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
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[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.