Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
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“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.