If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
man: wait
time: no
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator