You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
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Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
<—- homeless romantic
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.