my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
everyone’s a critic
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?