Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Pot warmers of the day.
Just had my nails done!
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete