How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
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When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Beware of fowl play.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.