Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
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ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.