Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Oh yeh? Explain this then
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
That’s enough internet for the day
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.