He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
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My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
This will never not be funny to me.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.