ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
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walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Jupiter
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
motivation
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.