Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
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12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
one of
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Feels
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.