I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
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Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone