[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
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Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
God has left this place
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home