if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
You Might Also Like
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
favorite tropes as memes
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
🐕🍷
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.