Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
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ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
This why you should mind your business
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails