*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you