15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
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A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!