just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
You Might Also Like
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.